I’m lost and alone in this big black hole. Actually it feels more like a whirlpool, going round and round and being sucked down into a pit of self destruction. I keep trying to reach for the top to pull myself out; to find the motivation to get out of this hell I’m in. It’s like i’m being weighed down.
Most of the time you wouldn’t even know that I am Bipolar, and suffer from Depression. Only those very close to me know what I go through, and even then, I keep most of it hidden. I just keep smiling. The Survivor, The Warrior!
Fuck if only they knew! Inside… my mind is in turmoil, my stomach is a hollow pit, I am consumed by exhaustion and the desire to just give up.
Things are getting worse this year, and I’m still trying to figure out was has triggered it. I am finding it harder to socialise and would rather hide away from people than hang out with them. My one and only happy place … The Gym … has become the hardest place for me to get to. This is the scariest thing for me. I would train 3 or 4 times a week and any less and I would fall apart, now I can’t get there even once a week. And no matter how hard I try, there is just nothing motivating me. Is this even me anymore???
I’m asleep so early and wake up feeling shattered, my dreams are totally erratic. Not erotic… just erratic (trust me). Once it was insomnia that kept me awake all night, now it’s pure exhaustion that knocks me out.
Every breath feels like hard work.
Through this and loads more, I try my hardest to remain in control and a good mother to my daughter. I would die if she knew half of what I went through. Although my relationship with my mom was very different, sadly I tend to only remember the bad things and her “issues”. I don’t want Jorja to ever say the same about me.
Tomorrow is another day, I will surround myself with lots of distractions so I don’t have to face my demons.
withbravewingssheflies 